Tehran halts nuclear program, allows international inspectors full access.
Hamid Karzai, the Afghan President, and the Taliban come to a peaceful agreement to share power.
Pakistani and American relations improve dramatically, supports increased U.S. drone attacks.
Europe avoids recession, accepts tight fiscal union, austerity measures, and balances budgets.
Iraq: blossoming democracy and anchor for Mid-East relations.
HAHAHAHA. Never say I’m not blissfully optimistic.
Yeah, satirical ranting is much more fun. Ever wonder what an L.B.J. speech would be like if it were given today? Yeah, me too. Here it is:
Mr. Speaker, Mr. President, Members of the Congress:
I speak tonight for the dignity of man, an iPod for every child, and the destiny of democracy. I urge every member of both parties, Americans of all religions and of all colors, from every section of this country, to join me in taking Viagra and Zoloft for that cause.
At times history and fate meet at a single time in a single place to shape a bipolar turning point in man’s unending search for freedom and new electronic gadgets. So it was at Lexington and Concord. So it was a century ago at Appomattox. So it was at Anheuser-Busch when Budweiser was crowned the “The King of Beers”. So it was in Selma, Alabama. There, long-suffering men and women peacefully protested the denial of consumer electronics and their rights as Americans. Many were brutally assaulted even though Facebook and Google proudly stood up for them. Is it Facebook’s fault that it only has a face and no hands? One good man, a man of Ford, was killed.
There is no cause for pride in what has happened in Selma. There is no cause for self-satisfaction in the long denial of equal rights of millions of Americans or the unalienable right of choosing iPhone or Droid, Democrat or Republican. You can not, in good faith, deny a person full bars anywhere in this country and deny access to their Twitter accounts. “Can you hear me now?” But there is cause for hope and for faith in our democracy in what is happening here tonight. You could just put delicious and nutritious high fructose corn syrup on it and have a Coke and a smile. For the cries of pain and the hymns and protests of oppressed people have summoned into convocation all the majesty of this great government — the government of the greatest nation on earth, behind China. Our mission is at once the oldest and the most basic of this country: to right wrong, to do justice, to serve man unlimited television entertainment and Ultimate Fighting Championships.
In our time we have come to live with the moments of great crisis. Our lives have been marked with debate about great issues — issues of war and peace, issues of prosperity and anti-depression medications, PC versus Mac. But rarely in any time does an issue lay bare the secret heart of America itself. Rarely are we met with a challenge as big as the Super Bowl, not to our growth or abundance, the contents of our tortilla chips or our security, but rather to the values, and the purposes, and the meaning of our beloved nation.
The issue of equal rights for American consumers is such an issue. Some Americans do not have adequate access to couture pet clothing, cosmetic surgery, or those little gadgets on toilets that squirt water on your rear end. Not only it that an enormous injustice it is also a serious health and safety concern.
And should we defeat every enemy, and should we quadruple our wealth and conquer the stars, and still be unequal to this issue, then we will have failed as a people and as a nation. Of course, we must not forget about this before the next commercial break. But we will. Not because there is a sale at Wal-mart, not because Wal-mart will save your life at every opportunity it gets, but because we have Attention Deficit Disorder and medication is the only solution. For with a country as with a person, “What is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?” Blah, blah, blah blah, blah. Potato chips. Beer. Supermodels. Goodnight.